Ugh.

I'm feeling so... depressed and emo and horrible right now.

I should be at Ky's place, but her now pregnant, hormonal sister who is a bitch at the best of times, is taking her sweet time moving out. It would be a bit of  struggle to move places while you are pregnant, but she has a partner, and seriously, I think she needs to be more organised about these things. Ky was also roped into babysitting tonight, which again, is alright, it's her form of income, so she can eventually buy me pretty things she says, but why tonight? Of all the nights I was going to be there, it was tonight. I was really looking forward to seeing her, scratch that, I was rather ecstatic about seeing her. It's been like this... consuming ache or craving.

Also, how the hell do I not wake up from the infernal blasting full volume 'Investigation - Cornered (Variation)' from Pheonix Wright which is my ringtone, only to be woken by the quiet chime of my SMS alert?

So she left me a voice message, apologizing profusly about how she was calling so late, and what was happening, and how very very very sorry she was and how she would call me on Saturday.

She's getting quite good at that, you ask her to call, she calls, she says she will call, she calls (she may be like five hours late in calling but she does.)

I couldn't help it, I just started to cry, and I don't mean a little sniffle, I mean really cry, it may be the full week of everynight only having about two to three hours sleep, or the stress at work, or the threat of a competition looming, but there I was, 11:50 at night, listening to her voicemail she left me, absolutly crying my eyes out.

I'm glad my grandmother is quite deaf without her hearing aids, I wouldn't want her to hear that sad sound.

... I hope I sleep tonight.

Our biscuit machine at work, the machine that produces pretty much every single product of ours, broke down today. If Laurence doesn't get it fixed, we are well and truely fucked. Up the river without a paddle.... and a boat... and a life jacket..

Mum goes into hospital soon too... Why can't things get better?

I'm drawing a comic, I hope I get it done, I don't know how night_requiem  and azurice do it! It should only be a few pages, and I prefer to do things without text, but it's going to be in full color. I think I shall post the first panel.. and the WIP second..

 



..... I shall keep drawing now o3o

I miss my friends.

I have a strange feeling that this year isn't going to be as better than last year as I had hoped.

We have a globe falling into recession, I'm in a job which has me worried every single day that it's going to go down the drain and I’ll get laid off which is kind of a joke since I’m the only other full time employee they have besides my BOSS, I mean seriously, we've got myself and my boss doing all the work! Baking and making and packing and answering calls and finance and... Yes, I really wouldn't be any help in the last one would I? I've got friends who are fed up with their lives, whose chosen paths are bringing them down. These times where we all face challenges so very very real and deadly, which should be bringing out the best in all people, are instead bringing out their very worst.

We're all spending less, earning less, losing sleep, losing money, not seeing our children, existing when we should be living, not enjoying what we do, reaching the very limit of our anger, our tolerance levels, not accepting, not even acknowledging. There have been massive fires and violent floods all in miles of each other. Rolling blackouts because of both nature and human error. Shooters on rampages. Hate when there should be love.

I'm worried. I'm so God damn worried. I mean everyone worries, I understand that. I know it's the same for a lot of people but this is MY journal and I shall be damned if I spend a little bit of time focussing on my worries instead of everyone else’s. I mean I spend the better part of my day focussing on everyone else’s problems anyway.

I'm a natural worrier, panic attacks, bouts of depression and complete silence is a normal part of my routine. I am both fortunate and unfortunate to be working in an environment that is quite silent, from talking anyway. This is quite nice when it is comfortable, and I am in a mood where I am happily silent. But it is absolute HELL when I am not.

You're edgy, you long to just say something to break the silence but you can't, there's nothing you can do. Then your brain starts questioning things, bringing things up, delving back into the past, into all the worries of the future, it feels bad, it feels so bad but you just CAN'T STOP. You question the loyalty of your friends and colleagues, the love of your family, if you're good enough to survive in your career, if you're a bad person because of something stupid you done year ago in a sudden fit of depression.

Your brain, it just keeps thinking and thinking and thinking and thinking and thinking and thinking and thinking and you

CAN'T
STOP.

I'm often wondering if whether what I say is real. What I think about my life is just me lying to myself.

And then there is my mother.

My darling mother. Oh ra she's changed. Changed so much from that striking, successful, can get through anything, strong, courageous, brilliant, and MY MOTHER.

She's been through so many hospital visits. The last was the worst, she changed from the woman I looked up to, to this... shadow of her former self, completely changed. She was my role model and such a bright star. Who told me the truth, and used her own money to buy me those twisty crayons, when all the kids at school teased me about not having them. Who paid all the bills while my father sat getting home early from work, hiding all the money he earned behind the fish tank and drinking beer, I told her where he hid it all. You never backed down in the face of intimidation or anger, even though you had so many demons, panic attacks and depression.

Now she has to go back into hospital again, and I'm scared, so scared. I just found out that we have to pay THOUSANDS. Because the doctors charge THOUSANDS over the limit for Medicare. It's enough to make me sick, it probably will make me sick. We pay all this money for private healthcare, fish out the remaining dollars from our purses and wallets and the bottom of our bank accounts and where does that get her? Not even assured a private room, even though we're paying for private health care! And all those people who can't afford it. The ways things play out... It's truly disgusting.

I feel so bad... On top of everything else I’m feeling. Because I feel more bad for me than I do for her. It's more of the norm for her; she's been in and out of hospital so much that it's more like routine. No, I’m afraid for myself, that is something happens to her then that will be the end of me. I lost it last time, of course that was increasingly worse than any of the other times she was in hospital, and lasted for about two long years.

I'm this close to cracking it as it is.

I just want HELP. Just to scream and shout and show everyone what I really am. For someone to ask me how I am and when I say 'I'm fine' they ask me 'How are you really?'

I thought I was getting better. But I think I’m getting worse, so much worse.

I don't want to question the motives of all my friends and family. I don't want to search for hidden hate or anger or deception. I don't want to completely have destroyed everything I have tried to rebuild since the last time Mum was in hospital.

I just want to me, Brittonie, a Pastry Chef, who likes to draw and read and write and bake, with friends and family who love her, who is happy and loving.


Now I'm tired of ranting. I feel bad for ranting. For subjecting anyone who reads this to well, a depressing and probably insane sounding journal entry. But I needed it, and I appreciate any comments I receive, not that I usually receive many.

Everyone please, take care of yourselves, and may whatever divine power you believe in, bless you, or if you don't believe, then just plain good luck.

I feel horrible, for the past year i've been too involved in my own death wish, that I didn't fully realise that there are people close to me dying around me.

My grandmother is slowly nearing her end. My mother has to go back into hospital. It doesn't change how I feel, but I do now realise that even if I want to go, there are others who would rather me not leave this earth.

It makes me completly re think things. I feel horrible for anything I have ever thought since my depression started.

End of depressive pathetic rant.